As you are going through your early marriage or are counting
down the digits to your wedding date you are probably wondering what marriage
will be like and how to have a successful one. We all have preconceived notions
about marriage based loosely around our parents, friends, or other marriages we
have witnesses throughout our lives. Here are some useful tips on separating
the myth from the truth:
1. Communication is
all we need
I’m not discrediting communication
to be an important aspect of your marriage. The truth is,
though it is important, communication alone it is not the “golden key to
marital stability and domestic happiness” (Hilsdale, 1962). You must be aware
that there is more to keeping your marriage together such as patience,
perseverance, selflessness and friendship before you can develop a harmonious
relationship.
2.Individual personality problems are a deal breaker
So,
you’re married now and you find out that your partner has this really strange
habit that just really weirds you out. You’re wishing you would have known
about this earlier and already starting to wonder how you are expected to live
with this unusual habit. The truth is, we all have our crazy buttons and
our irrational fears. Marriage isn’t about marrying a
“normal” person, it’s about marrying someone with whom you fit. As long as you can “accommodate each
other’s strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect,” you
and your marriage will thrive (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
3. As long as we enjoy doing the same things we’ll be
good
Yes,
spending time together is great but it all depends on how you feel while doing
those activities together. You both might like to run, but every time you go
out it turns into a competitive race and someone always get’s their feelings hurt. The Truth is, you should either set down some guidelines or find a
different activity to do together if your shared activities result in hurt
feelings.
4. A kiss for a kiss
You
may think that you have to respond to every positive act your partner does for
you. He kisses you, you kiss him, you write him love notes, and he writes you-
constantly reciprocating each other’s actions. The truth is, keeping a
tally of who does what will actually result in an unhappy marriage. You should
do something nice for your spouse because you feel good about your marriage and
want to show your love. Don’t do these things because you want your spouse to
do something nice for you.
5. Don’t avoid conflict, tell it like it is
You
may have been lead to believe that upfront, confrontational conflict resolution
is beneficial to your marriage. The truth is, this is not best for all
marriage as couples have different styles of conflict. No one style is better
than another as long as you mutually understand what works for your
relationship. But, If you want to get in your car, blast your music and drag
main while your spouse wants to sit down and talk it out- you’re going to have
some trouble. Try to find the best
way you and your spouse can handle conflicts and go with whatever feels right
between the two of you.
6. Men are not biologically “built” for marriage
Way
back when the human race was worried about it’s existence, men were looking for
as many mates as possible (to ensure continuing the species) and women were
looking for a man who could protect and provide (to ensure survival of the
species). The truth is, “the frequency of extramarital affairs does not
depend on gender so much as on opportunity” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). This is obvious when you look at how
many women now work outside of the home, because of this the number of “affairs
of young women now slightly exceeds those of men” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Gottman, J., &
Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp.
13-17). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.
Hilside, P. (1962).
Marriage and family living. National council of family relations, 24(2),
137-143. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/347003
