How to Have a Happy Marriage

Earlier this week I ran across an article on how to have a happy marriage. The post that I read on the internet discusses a lot of ideas from John Gottman. I love John Gottman and have read all of his books. I made my husband read all of his books. I give them as wedding gifts to my friends. I should seriously be getting money from him. Anyways, the article is from WebMD and had a lot of things I thought I would share with you.

The first is that in every marriage there are irresolvable issues. The idea of problem solving is to figure out the things that can be resolved and work on those. The rest you just need to learn to deal with. For my husband and I, it’s that he doesn’t put the rug back over the edge of the tub after his shower and I always forget to empty the trash because that was never my chore growing up. We drive each other nuts with these things, but we live with them. These things are habit and will probably never change. Either of us getting upset just causes unnecessary anger and wastes happiness.

They also touch on the 5:1 positive to negative ratio. For every negative thing you say about your partner you need to say five positive things to keep the relationship functioning happily. By keeping the 5:1 ratio you will be able to have better positive sentiment and when things get rough you will keep positive thoughts about your partner.

A key part to solving conflict is to always try to see your partners’ perspective. People will never change unless they feel understood. Keep in mind to always check their perspective. You can clarify things to make sure you understand and repeat it back. You do not have to agree with their perspective, but you must try to understand and always remain respectful of your spouse and their beliefs.

The article has a list of helpful things in conflict. They are:

• Bring it up in a nonthreatening way. "Be nice. No name calling," she advises.
• Bring up specific issues or behaviors, rather than personality qualities. In a happy marriage, there's no attacking the person. "Bring up the specific time, how you felt about it, then people can change the behavior," Orbuch tells WebMD. "Otherwise, they don't know what to do about it, they're boxed in."
• Use "I" statements. Instead of "you're a very messy person' say 'I'm really bothered when you put clothes on the floor." Such statements show how you feel about a specific behavior, and that's important in a happy marriage, she says.
• Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are, the more you will be taken seriously, she says. "Take a breath, count to 10, breathe. Try to be nonthreatening."
• Take a break. "If you're going back and forth, if you find blood pressure going up, take minutes or seconds," she says. "Don't take hours. If you take too long, it festers in the other person, they've had time analyze it; you're dismissing their feelings opinions, dismissing them."
• Don't bring it up at night. Choose the right time -- not when people are tired, hungry, when the kids are all around, when you've got a deadline at work. Those are not best times."
• Consider your spouse's point of view, if you want a truly happy marriage. "I'm a true believer in this," says Orbuch. "Studies show that every single action has a different meaning depending on if you are male, female, your race, your background. That is important to remember in conflict resolution."

All of these ideas are wonderful and can help you to have positive arguments. No marriage is free from conflict but thing that matters is the type of conflict that occurs. The key is to remain positive and respectful and always be kind to your spouse.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/happy-marriage-no-nitpicking?page=3