Book Review: Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps

Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It

By Allan and Barbara Pease

“It’s only by understanding the differences…that we can really start building on our collective strengths rather than our individual weaknesses” (pp xv)

This book explains the biological differences between men and women and how those differences affect each other. It also offered many solutions and tips on the best means to approach your significant other in a way that would be complementary to their biological nature. This book is completely backed in research and believes heavily/makes many referenced to evolution.

First off, throughout the whole first chapter they explain that they don’t mean any harm or want to cause a gender war. They believe that men and women have equal opportunity but, through evolution, they are just naturally inclined towards certain things.  They state, “Understanding our brain structure differences makes us more tolerant of each other and allows us to have greater control over our destiny and to feel positive about our inclinations and choices” (pp 184).

I loved all the interesting facts stuffed into this book. Not only has it made me one of those people who randomly states interesting (unrelated) facts while in conversation but it has also changed how I view some of the world. At first I doubted the differences found in this book, but then I actually spent some time around guys and found out the research was right! Through observing and asking questions I found out that many of the differences stated in this book not only are true, but also are so natural that no one even realizes they are there!

For example: In the chapter on spatial reasoning they state, “90% of women have limited spatial ability” in comparison to their male counterparts (Pease & Pease, 1998, pp 102). Because of this women have a hard time with maps-- hence the title of the book. If you are reading this as a woman you might be thinking, “Hey, I can use a map!” BUT, when you use a map do you turn it to face the direction you are going? I know I have to and I thought everyone did this because it makes map reading much much easier. But men don’t have to turn the map, they just look at it and get it! Every woman I asked said she turned the map, and every male I asked said he could just look at a map and didn’t have to turn it. Crazy, right? Ask around if you don’t believe me! Within this chapter they also had a few tests to measure your spatial ability that I found impossibly hard, I plan on asking the guys I see if they can do the tests and I bet their results will be more positive than mine.

The book, however, is geared towards women. It favors women, talks more about their strengths, and actually apologizes when they start to talk about the strengths of men saying, “to some people, this research may appear sexist, because we will be discussing the kind of strengths and abilities at which males excel… later, however, we will look at areas where women have the upper hand” (pp 102). This is also after they have established men as “The Lunch Chaser” and women as the “the nest defender” where they make many references to how limited males are in a modern world because of their brain wiring is better suited for hunting and focused tasks, like playing sports and watching TV, rather than the busyness of modern life. To be honest, I didn’t mind the subtle sexism reading it as a female but I wouldn’t suggest this book to a male who is sensitive about gender differences, as this book is not skewed in his favor.

I also did not really like how the book was written.  In my edition of the book, there is a section called “Eating Out,” talking about how women go out to eat to build relationships and men see eating out as a “logical approach to food” (pp 149). Much to my surprise, three pages later there is the exact same section titled “Going to Lunch” repeated word for word again in another section! I also felt that this book was a little scattered and that they chapters often went off in tangents. Yes, the tangents were very interesting as well, but I would have liked to know more about those, perhaps in their own section. On the bright side, the book was upbeat and very easy to read as it is filled with interesting stories, research, and real life applications.

Overall, this book was very interesting. It was filled with interest facts that made you think twice about your natural inclinations, filled to the brim with interesting facts, and overall an easy read. If you can stand the mild female favoritism and read it with an open mind I think anyone would enjoy this book. I wouldn’t suggest this book if you are looking for specific couple or marriage advice but it is very interesting to read just to generally learn about yourself and those who you have relationships with. I feel that this book could be beneficial to singles, couples and even parents, as we all have to learn about how to communicate and understand the opposite sex.

Pease, B., & Pease, A. (1998). Why men don't listen and women can't read maps: How we're different and what to do about it. New York, NY: Broadway Books.

Myths About Marriage

As you are going through your early marriage or are counting down the digits to your wedding date you are probably wondering what marriage will be like and how to have a successful one. We all have preconceived notions about marriage based loosely around our parents, friends, or other marriages we have witnesses throughout our lives. Here are some useful tips on separating the myth from the truth:

1. Communication is all we need

I’m not discrediting communication to be an important aspect of your marriage. The truth is, though it is important, communication alone it is not the “golden key to marital stability and domestic happiness” (Hilsdale, 1962). You must be aware that there is more to keeping your marriage together such as patience, perseverance, selflessness and friendship before you can develop a harmonious relationship.

2.Individual personality problems are a deal breaker

            So, you’re married now and you find out that your partner has this really strange habit that just really weirds you out. You’re wishing you would have known about this earlier and already starting to wonder how you are expected to live with this unusual habit. The truth is, we all have our crazy buttons and our irrational fears. Marriage isn’t about marrying a “normal” person, it’s about marrying someone with whom you fit.  As long as you can “accommodate each other’s strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect,” you and your marriage will thrive (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

3. As long as we enjoy doing the same things we’ll be good

            Yes, spending time together is great but it all depends on how you feel while doing those activities together. You both might like to run, but every time you go out it turns into a competitive race and someone always get’s their feelings hurt. The Truth is, you should either set down some guidelines or find a different activity to do together if your shared activities result in hurt feelings.

4. A kiss for a kiss

            You may think that you have to respond to every positive act your partner does for you. He kisses you, you kiss him, you write him love notes, and he writes you- constantly reciprocating each other’s actions. The truth is, keeping a tally of who does what will actually result in an unhappy marriage. You should do something nice for your spouse because you feel good about your marriage and want to show your love. Don’t do these things because you want your spouse to do something nice for you.

5. Don’t avoid conflict, tell it like it is

            You may have been lead to believe that upfront, confrontational conflict resolution is beneficial to your marriage. The truth is, this is not best for all marriage as couples have different styles of conflict. No one style is better than another as long as you mutually understand what works for your relationship. But, If you want to get in your car, blast your music and drag main while your spouse wants to sit down and talk it out- you’re going to have some trouble.  Try to find the best way you and your spouse can handle conflicts and go with whatever feels right between the two of you.

6. Men are not biologically “built” for marriage

            Way back when the human race was worried about it’s existence, men were looking for as many mates as possible (to ensure continuing the species) and women were looking for a man who could protect and provide (to ensure survival of the species). The truth is, “the frequency of extramarital affairs does not depend on gender so much as on opportunity” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).  This is obvious when you look at how many women now work outside of the home, because of this the number of “affairs of young women now slightly exceeds those of men” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp. 13-17). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Hilside, P. (1962). Marriage and family living. National council of family relations, 24(2), 137-143. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/347003

"Sexual Intimacy in Marriage" Book Review

Welcome to our blog! I am so excited to start sharing information with you and thought I would jump in head first and hit a topic that many people cringe to talk about: sex. It’s a touchy topic and something that should be between the spouses, but it does need to be discussed at some point.

Recently I read a book called “Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” by William Cutrer, M.D. and Sandra Glahn, Th.M. This book offers advice for sexual relationships within marriage but also comes from a Christian viewpoint. If reading a book concerning sex that encompasses Christian values makes you a little uneasy, another book that I have sitting on my nightstand but haven’t started reading quite yet is “Passionate Marriage: love, sex and intimacy in emotionally committed relationships” by David Morris Schnarch PhD. The second book, from what I can tell, offers more of an anatomical and psychological take on developing intimacy.

Most of my friends that I am particularly close to are married and because we have been close for over twenty years, there tends to be an over share of information. One thing that was particularly difficult for me when I was very first married was the amount of information shared “between the girls” and not comparing myself and my sex life to theirs. There were some moments where I felt like my husband and I were doing something wrong (or that my friends and their husbands were too) because we weren’t “keeping up” with our friends. Luckily, I recognized that this was damaging my relationship with my husband and was able to stop the pattern before it became a habit.

“Sexual Intimacy in Marriage” begins at the very start by saying, “Every couple, at some time in their relationship if not throughout their years together, will encounter sexual difficulties or transitional times requiring adaptation, change, and flexibility. One of the most damaging beliefs is, “We are the only ones having trouble; everyone else has a perfect love life.” That is totally false.” (page 15)

For me, this was the main point that I would pick out of the entire book that every couple should keep in mind. I feel that with friends sharing information, what media portrays as a good sex life and trying to keep the expectations of our spouse satisfied it is important to remember that our sex life needs flexibility and no two couples have the same sex life.

The book also covers information concerning the male and female anatomy, levels of interest and orgasms, as well as contraceptives, sexual addiction and aging. There is a wealth of knowledge in this book that all newlyweds should be aware of. I also feel that this book clears up many of the “myths” of intimacy that is perpetuated so easily. Again, this book offers insight from a religious perspective. The second book may be a better option if religion is not for you. I can’t say the quality of the information in the second book but I do plan on reading it (maybe it will be a nice spring break read?).

I hope that if you are a nearlywed or newlywed with questions or concerns about intimacy you will consider reading some books. Intimacy is an important part of marriage and is too great to be confused or nervous because things aren’t perfect for a bit.