The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Today I am going to discuss two ideas from John Gottman that I have found very useful in not only my relationship with my husband but also my own family and in-laws. The first idea is the concept of The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse (divorce) and the second is the use of a 5:1 positive to negative ratio. I took a communication and relationships class last semester and these are the ONLY things I remember from the class. But, they have changed my relationships so much that I think it’s ok that I forgot everything else.

The four parts of the Horseman theory are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The idea is that in conflict or discussions when criticism is used by one partner the other begins to become defensive. When the first partner shows contempt (I had to look up exactly what contempt means… it’s a negative attitude regarding a person or group of people as inferior, base, or worthless) the second partner will begin to “stonewall”, or shut out, the first partner.

When feeling angry or other high negative emotions humans will begin a process of flooding, which prevents them from being able to communicate or listen. Criticism and contempt cause flooding which creates flooding. Flooding is a bad thing and we want to avoid it as often as possible. Flooding also begins quicker in men and lasts longer.

The great news is that there are concepts called repair attempts in which you can stop the process of the four horsemen. The first repair for criticism is to complain without blame. This means that you can tell your spouse that you are bothered something didn’t happen but you don’t attach it to their personal worth. The fix for defensiveness is to take responsibility. This means to own up when your partner is complaining about something you did/did not do and also accept blame when you have begun by criticizing your partner. The opposite of contempt is to build a culture of appreciation. Gottman discusses the emotional bank account, or a memory bank of positive memories and emotions of your spouse. By having so many good feelings stored you can avoid feeling contempt towards the other. Lastly, physiological self soothing fixes stonewalling. When you can feel yourself shutting out your partner it is best to know of ways to calm yourself down and stop flooding.

The idea of 5:1 positive to negative ratio is that for every negative comment you make you make 5 positive comments. This helps build a positive bank account for yourself but also help your spouse feel appreciated by you.

My husband and I have implemented these into our relationship and they have changed our marriage dramatically. We have an inside joke that when we see signs of the Horsemen we will clap and gallop in place (think Monty Python). This not only brings attention to the sign but also helps diffuse the stress and help us see humor in the argument. We also implement the 5:1 ratio between our own relationships and whenever we say something negative about anything in our family. This has helped us to remain positive but also avoid hurt feelings by feeling defensive of our families.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are great ways to gauge how your conflict pattern is hurting or helping the strength of your relationship. Implementing your own style of “fair fighting” based on these principles and remaining positive by keeping a 5:1 ratio will help strengthen your relationship and help make you a team.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp. 87-92). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Conflict Resolution~

 

It is necessary a newlywed couple learns how to resolve conflict. The sooner they do, the better off they will be. It may come as a shock to some that their “soul mate” has flaws and that as a couple they disagree about issues after the wedding is over. In this post I would like to give you some researched based information to solidify the importance of conflict resolution. Later, I will provide you with some tips in order to resolve conflict with your spouse more easily. 

There was a study done by Sybil Carrere who is both a psychologist and research scientist from the University of Washington. The article describes that how the conflict discussion is begun can predict if the couple will remain married or get divorced in the long run. In fact, the study showed that it is indeed possible to predict the outcome of the marriage over a 6-year period from using just the first 3 minutes of the discussion (Carrere, 1999). 3 minutes?! I was very surprised after reading this article. I found myself reflecting back on the last few conflicts I encountered in my own newlywed relationship. I ask you to do the same! How did your conflicts begin? How did they end? Were the two of you able to learn something through the conflict?

A second study agrees and is found in an article from the, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. It tells us, “The way couples communicate during conflict discussions has been found to be a reliable predictor of marital satisfaction” (Rehman, Janssen, Newhouse, Heiman, Holtzworth-Munroe, Fallis & Rafaeli, 2011, p. 94). 

So there you have it! Not only does conflict resolution predict marital satisfaction but is also predicts the outcome of marriage! If that is not motivation enough to take conflict resolution seriously I don’t know what is.
Now, onto the tips!

·      Prevention. Learn what really bothers your spouse or their pet peeves and do your best to avoid doing them.

·      Allow each person to freely talk and genuinely listen.

·      Be honest and admit when you are wrong without following it with but.

·      Be humble, swallow your pride and be willing to make compromises and adjustments for the good of your marriage.

·      Don’t go to bed angry. Bring back the peace between the two of you. It isn’t the answer for every situation but it is a good goal to shoot for.

Remember guys, conflict resolution is something you must continually work on throughout your marriage. Don’t get stuck in bad communication habits. Remember you love your spouse and they love you! Nobody is perfect but don’t loose that desire to always make your marriage better.

Rehman, U. S., Janssen, E., Newhouse, S., Heiman, J., Holtzworth-Munroe, A., Fallis, E., & Rafaeli, E. (2011). Marital Satisfaction and Communication Behaviors During Sexual and Nonsexual Conflict Discussions in Newlywed Couples: A Pilot Study. Journal Of Sex & Marital Therapy, 37(2), 94-103. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2011.547352

Carrère, S. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 38(3), 293-301.

Vlog: The Stress-Reducing Conversation

My Vlog about a useful technique to help reduce stress and enhance your marriage.
-Kaylee



Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp. 87-92). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Book Review: Smart Couples Finish Rich

“Smart Couples Finish Rich” by David Bach

                Smart Couples Finish Rich is a nine step self-help book that helps create a better and rich future for you and your partner.  I was skeptical about reading this book at first mainly for the fact that it is probably a boring book that simply helps you with your finances.  However, I was completely wrong.  This book was easy to follow and understand.  David Bach is a great financial coach and he did a great job about discussing the topic that splits most couples up: money.  The whole point of Smart Couples Finish Rich is to help couples look at their financial picture and see where they are and help improve their financial standing.  Bach lists nine steps that he believes will help everyone couple “finish rich”.

1.       Learn the facts and myths about couples and money

“It’s not just about the money” (15), this is something that Bach brings up and states that this is something that most couples overlook and also says that “It’s not what you know…it’s what you don’t know” (16).  In this chapter, he lists five facts that couples need to know: 1) Money has very little to do with love…but with how much you fight, 2) It takes very little money to make money as long as you’re patient and disciplined, 3) Everyone makes enough to invest, 4) Taxes and inflation are never going to be under control, 5) If you don’t start talking about money, then you’ll die broke.  This chapter helps you understand the facts so that you and your partner are able to be on the same page when it comes to your finances.  At the end, Bach gives you and your partner a “Financial Knowledge” Quiz so you know how similar you are with your finances.

2.       Determine the true purpose of money in your life

This chapter explains that values that you and your partner each hold.  Bach has you create what he calls a Value Circle where he has you lists your five top values such as family, security, health, and etc.  This activity is so that you know what really is important to you and your partner.  These are the values that you are committed to and that shape your life even if it does not reflect finances at all.  This is important because this allows you to see what your life revolves around so you can shape it the way you want it and to see the values that you cherish.

3.       Plan together…win together

This chapter explains the importance of having an organized system to file your finances under in different categories.  This will help with not having to deal with the clutter that finances bring along.  This will allow you to categorize everything from important documents to receipts that you may need.  Bach also has what he calls a “Purpose-Focused Financial Plan”.  This focuses on the five core values that you listed earlier and lets you live your life in line with these values.  He lists seven tips that help you create your goals: 1) Make sure your goals are based on your values, 2) Makes your goals specific, detailed, and with a finish line, 3) Put your top five goals in writing, 4) State taking action towards your goals within 48 hours, 5) Enlist help, 6) Get an idea of how much money it will cost to achieve the goals, 7) Make sure you goals match your values, as a couple.  These allow you to create goals that are realistic and able to achieve while you and your partner share the same values.

4.       The Couples’ Latte Factor

The Latte Factor is when you make small purchases daily and you don’t know how it affects your personal finances.  Such as buying a Starbucks coffee daily, which is simply a $3 purchase, however that accumulates to $15 per week.  This is when Bach gives a Seven-Day Financial Challenge where he challenges you and your partner to write down everything you’ve bought within a seven day timeframe.  This shows where your money is actually going towards and how you can potentially cut these small purchases out of the picture. 

5.       Build your retirement basket

This chapter explains the importance of building your retirement basket; meaning your security during your retirement years and building up towards it.  Bach’s first principle is to “Pay Yourself First”, the idea of taking your income first and putting it in a savings account so it can be put towards something you want.  Bach explains the importance of retirement accounts such as 401(k) plans, IRA accounts and Roth IRA accounts, and the ways to investment properly.

6.       Build your security basket

This chapter explains the importance of building your security basket; meaning having the financial security you will need.  He lists six things to do to protect yourself: 1) Set aside a cushion of cash, 2) Must write up a will or living trust, 3) Buy the best health coverage you can afford, 4) Protect those you depend on you with life insurance, 5) Protect yourselves and incomes with disability insurance, 6) Consider Long-Term Care coverage. 

7.       Build your dream basket

This chapter explains the importance of building your dream basket; meaning that you will be working towards things such as buying a new car or a dream vacation.  In other words, they are simply just goals you want to achieve.  Bach gives you the knowledge of how to fund your dream basket and the ways to get more money out of things such as a Mutual Fund and discusses the different types of funds and stocks you may come across to help build your dream basket.

8.       Learn to avoid the ten biggest financial mistakes couples make

This chapter lists the ten biggest mistakes that couples make financially: 1) Having a 30-year mortgage, 2) Not taking credit-card debt seriously, 3) Trying to get rich quick by day-trading, 4) Buying stocks on margin, 5) Not starting a college-savings plan soon enough, 6) Not teaching your kids about money, 7) Neglecting to sign a prenuptial agreement, 8) Not having a greater purpose beyond the two of you, 9) Not figuring out who’s responsible for what, 10) Not getting professional financial advice. 

9.       Increase your income by 10 percent in nine weeks

This last chapter explains how you can increase your income by ten percent.  In which, Bach gives you a “Proactive Income nine-week plan” to let you be able to work towards increasing your income.  Week 1: Get real, Week 2: Write down exactly what you want, Week 3: Clean up the mess, Week 4: Get clear on how you add value, Week 5: Focus on the 80/20 rule, Week 6: Put yourself in play, Week 7: Practice asking for the raise, Week 8: Ask for the raise, Week 9: Celebrate your success.  Bach gives you the necessary tips to let you ask for a raise at work and to ultimately increase your income.

 Take in consideration, that I simply summarized and bulleted the main points of each chapter and not go into full explanation.  However, I highly recommend this book to you and your partner.  It gives you the insight on you can “Finish Rich” and gives you the “Smarts” to be a smart couple when it comes to finances.  It also gives you exercises, to put the advice that Bach gives you into application towards your life so you are simply not just reading the book for the purpose of reading.  I found that this book was very insightful and even though I am not married this gave me knowledge that I can use now and when I do get married.  I hope you do take the time to read this book as a couple so you can ultimately “Finish Rich”.

Bach, David (2002), Smart Couples Finish Rich

Q&A: Joint or Separate Accounts?

Reader’s Question: Is it better to have a joint account, separate bank accounts, or both? Does it make a difference?

                This question was asked in regards to “finance sharing” and whether you should share your money or keep separate accounts.  Money is an important thing that each couple should talk about; especially regarding the topic of sharing your income.  The simple answer to this question is up to you.  It is personally between you and your partner as to what you do with your money and split the responsibilities of your bills and accounts (Bach, 2002).

                Having a joint account is important so that both of can have money to have access to.  So discussing which bank you join and how much of your money will towards that and what it actually will go towards is important.  However, having separate bank accounts is a must.  Money is a personal thing and even with your spouse it is something that can be kept private (Bach, 2002). So having your own separate bank account is a good thing.

                There is not much to say about this question because ultimately it is up to you and your partner as to how you split up your money and what type of accounts you decide to get.  So it is mostly on how you view your finances and how organized you want to be with them.  Because most couples have a way they sort out their finances by who pays what bills and such.  But as stated earlier, it is completely up to you as to how you want to do it but have a joint account as well separate accounts for each partner is beneficial so you can retain your privacy but still have mutual funds when it comes to big purchases such as a mortgage, a new car, and etc.  It’s a personal choice as to what you do. 

Bach, David (2002), “Smart Couples, Finish Rich”

Assume Love

I thought that for this post I would share a blog that gives really great marriage information. AssumeLove.com is a great resource for how to have a happier marriage, without waiting for your spouse to change.

One of the first things that draws me to this particular blog is because of how user friendly it is. All of the topics are on one toolbar and once you select one you have all of the posts for that topic right where you need them. The layout is great and the colors are cute and don’t overshadow the writing or reason why you are on the blog.

I also love that they have topics like “why be married” as well as a section for books and classes that are beneficial to married couples. The topics are simple things that are all about the idea of marriage and keeping marriage healthy and happy. Although there is not very much research actually cited on the website the posts are all very accurate and offer very good advice.

The quality of writing is very good. The authors show that they know what they are talking about through their knowledge of the information presented as well as their writing. I think that each post is great to read and so informative on some very personal levels.

I really enjoyed reading this blog and recommend it to anybody that needs information on marriage and love between them and their spouse. I hope that you will take some time to look at this blog and go through the advice they give! I know I learned a lot that I can apply to my marriage.

http://www.assumelove.com/

Book Review: Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps

Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps: How We're Different and What to Do About It

By Allan and Barbara Pease

“It’s only by understanding the differences…that we can really start building on our collective strengths rather than our individual weaknesses” (pp xv)

This book explains the biological differences between men and women and how those differences affect each other. It also offered many solutions and tips on the best means to approach your significant other in a way that would be complementary to their biological nature. This book is completely backed in research and believes heavily/makes many referenced to evolution.

First off, throughout the whole first chapter they explain that they don’t mean any harm or want to cause a gender war. They believe that men and women have equal opportunity but, through evolution, they are just naturally inclined towards certain things.  They state, “Understanding our brain structure differences makes us more tolerant of each other and allows us to have greater control over our destiny and to feel positive about our inclinations and choices” (pp 184).

I loved all the interesting facts stuffed into this book. Not only has it made me one of those people who randomly states interesting (unrelated) facts while in conversation but it has also changed how I view some of the world. At first I doubted the differences found in this book, but then I actually spent some time around guys and found out the research was right! Through observing and asking questions I found out that many of the differences stated in this book not only are true, but also are so natural that no one even realizes they are there!

For example: In the chapter on spatial reasoning they state, “90% of women have limited spatial ability” in comparison to their male counterparts (Pease & Pease, 1998, pp 102). Because of this women have a hard time with maps-- hence the title of the book. If you are reading this as a woman you might be thinking, “Hey, I can use a map!” BUT, when you use a map do you turn it to face the direction you are going? I know I have to and I thought everyone did this because it makes map reading much much easier. But men don’t have to turn the map, they just look at it and get it! Every woman I asked said she turned the map, and every male I asked said he could just look at a map and didn’t have to turn it. Crazy, right? Ask around if you don’t believe me! Within this chapter they also had a few tests to measure your spatial ability that I found impossibly hard, I plan on asking the guys I see if they can do the tests and I bet their results will be more positive than mine.

The book, however, is geared towards women. It favors women, talks more about their strengths, and actually apologizes when they start to talk about the strengths of men saying, “to some people, this research may appear sexist, because we will be discussing the kind of strengths and abilities at which males excel… later, however, we will look at areas where women have the upper hand” (pp 102). This is also after they have established men as “The Lunch Chaser” and women as the “the nest defender” where they make many references to how limited males are in a modern world because of their brain wiring is better suited for hunting and focused tasks, like playing sports and watching TV, rather than the busyness of modern life. To be honest, I didn’t mind the subtle sexism reading it as a female but I wouldn’t suggest this book to a male who is sensitive about gender differences, as this book is not skewed in his favor.

I also did not really like how the book was written.  In my edition of the book, there is a section called “Eating Out,” talking about how women go out to eat to build relationships and men see eating out as a “logical approach to food” (pp 149). Much to my surprise, three pages later there is the exact same section titled “Going to Lunch” repeated word for word again in another section! I also felt that this book was a little scattered and that they chapters often went off in tangents. Yes, the tangents were very interesting as well, but I would have liked to know more about those, perhaps in their own section. On the bright side, the book was upbeat and very easy to read as it is filled with interesting stories, research, and real life applications.

Overall, this book was very interesting. It was filled with interest facts that made you think twice about your natural inclinations, filled to the brim with interesting facts, and overall an easy read. If you can stand the mild female favoritism and read it with an open mind I think anyone would enjoy this book. I wouldn’t suggest this book if you are looking for specific couple or marriage advice but it is very interesting to read just to generally learn about yourself and those who you have relationships with. I feel that this book could be beneficial to singles, couples and even parents, as we all have to learn about how to communicate and understand the opposite sex.

Pease, B., & Pease, A. (1998). Why men don't listen and women can't read maps: How we're different and what to do about it. New York, NY: Broadway Books.

Q: What are some ways to improve a relationship between a spouse and their in-laws?

A: This week I would like to take the opportunity to answer a reader’s question. It was a very good question and probably one that many have a hard time with.

Just because you and your spouse have a great relationship does not mean that a great relationship with your in-laws will necessarily come easily. It is true though; when you marry someone you marry their family as well.
Your marriage takes work for it to remain the relationship you desire and similarly, your relationship with your in-laws takes work as well. Unfortunately problems with in-laws are quite common, this is why I’m so glad to have an opportunity to give you some tips that will hopefully help.

But, before we get into the tips I would like to discuss exactly why it is so important we work on our relationships with in-laws!
There was an article in the Journal of Marriage and Family that described a study that looked at the relationship between conflict with in-laws and long-term martial success. The results showed that conflict with in-laws and extended family will, “erode marital stability, satisfaction, and commitment over time” (Bryant, Conger & Meehan, 2001).  Now doesn’t that put into perspective the importance of working on your relationship with your in-laws?! I hope so.

Now onto the tips! I got a lot of these tips from Dr. Corey Allan, who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Professional Life and Relationship Coach.

· Start EARLY.
Don’t wait until you are already married to begin to build a relationship. Also, keep in mind it may be easier to get to know them in small groups. That way you won’t be left feeling overwhelmed and you will be able to focus on each person.

· ATTEMPT to get along.
The key to this tip is to make an effort! Relationships with your in-laws are no different than any other relationship, they are two sided. Always remember to be civil and respectful. Find out what your in-laws likes and dislikes are. This is a quick way to find things in common! This tip also includes remembering to never criticize the other spouse’s family behind their back.

· PITCH IN and seek and accept your in-laws ADVICE.
When there is a family gathering, make a point of helping out, your in-laws will notice.
Also, flattery can get you anywhere. Asking your in-laws for advice makes them feel as if their opinion is still relevant and they still have an impact on their children’s lives. Asking for advice makes a person feel valued and that can go a long way when in comes to relationships with in-laws.

Well I hope these tips will help because as we have discussed the relationship with your in-laws in not one to overlook. It will take some work but it will be worth it!

Bryant, C. M., Conger, R. D., & Meehan, J. M. (2001). The influence of in-laws on change in marital success. Journal Of Marriage And Family, 63(3), 614-626.

Allen, Dr. Corey. (2009, March 03). 8 tips for improving your relationship with in-laws. Retrieved from http://intentblog.com/8-tips-improving-your-relationship-laws/