The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Today I am going to discuss two ideas from John Gottman that I have found very useful in not only my relationship with my husband but also my own family and in-laws. The first idea is the concept of The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse (divorce) and the second is the use of a 5:1 positive to negative ratio. I took a communication and relationships class last semester and these are the ONLY things I remember from the class. But, they have changed my relationships so much that I think it’s ok that I forgot everything else.

The four parts of the Horseman theory are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The idea is that in conflict or discussions when criticism is used by one partner the other begins to become defensive. When the first partner shows contempt (I had to look up exactly what contempt means… it’s a negative attitude regarding a person or group of people as inferior, base, or worthless) the second partner will begin to “stonewall”, or shut out, the first partner.

When feeling angry or other high negative emotions humans will begin a process of flooding, which prevents them from being able to communicate or listen. Criticism and contempt cause flooding which creates flooding. Flooding is a bad thing and we want to avoid it as often as possible. Flooding also begins quicker in men and lasts longer.

The great news is that there are concepts called repair attempts in which you can stop the process of the four horsemen. The first repair for criticism is to complain without blame. This means that you can tell your spouse that you are bothered something didn’t happen but you don’t attach it to their personal worth. The fix for defensiveness is to take responsibility. This means to own up when your partner is complaining about something you did/did not do and also accept blame when you have begun by criticizing your partner. The opposite of contempt is to build a culture of appreciation. Gottman discusses the emotional bank account, or a memory bank of positive memories and emotions of your spouse. By having so many good feelings stored you can avoid feeling contempt towards the other. Lastly, physiological self soothing fixes stonewalling. When you can feel yourself shutting out your partner it is best to know of ways to calm yourself down and stop flooding.

The idea of 5:1 positive to negative ratio is that for every negative comment you make you make 5 positive comments. This helps build a positive bank account for yourself but also help your spouse feel appreciated by you.

My husband and I have implemented these into our relationship and they have changed our marriage dramatically. We have an inside joke that when we see signs of the Horsemen we will clap and gallop in place (think Monty Python). This not only brings attention to the sign but also helps diffuse the stress and help us see humor in the argument. We also implement the 5:1 ratio between our own relationships and whenever we say something negative about anything in our family. This has helped us to remain positive but also avoid hurt feelings by feeling defensive of our families.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are great ways to gauge how your conflict pattern is hurting or helping the strength of your relationship. Implementing your own style of “fair fighting” based on these principles and remaining positive by keeping a 5:1 ratio will help strengthen your relationship and help make you a team.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp. 87-92). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.