Myths About Marriage

As you are going through your early marriage or are counting down the digits to your wedding date you are probably wondering what marriage will be like and how to have a successful one. We all have preconceived notions about marriage based loosely around our parents, friends, or other marriages we have witnesses throughout our lives. Here are some useful tips on separating the myth from the truth:

1. Communication is all we need

I’m not discrediting communication to be an important aspect of your marriage. The truth is, though it is important, communication alone it is not the “golden key to marital stability and domestic happiness” (Hilsdale, 1962). You must be aware that there is more to keeping your marriage together such as patience, perseverance, selflessness and friendship before you can develop a harmonious relationship.

2.Individual personality problems are a deal breaker

            So, you’re married now and you find out that your partner has this really strange habit that just really weirds you out. You’re wishing you would have known about this earlier and already starting to wonder how you are expected to live with this unusual habit. The truth is, we all have our crazy buttons and our irrational fears. Marriage isn’t about marrying a “normal” person, it’s about marrying someone with whom you fit.  As long as you can “accommodate each other’s strange side and handle it with caring, affection, and respect,” you and your marriage will thrive (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

3. As long as we enjoy doing the same things we’ll be good

            Yes, spending time together is great but it all depends on how you feel while doing those activities together. You both might like to run, but every time you go out it turns into a competitive race and someone always get’s their feelings hurt. The Truth is, you should either set down some guidelines or find a different activity to do together if your shared activities result in hurt feelings.

4. A kiss for a kiss

            You may think that you have to respond to every positive act your partner does for you. He kisses you, you kiss him, you write him love notes, and he writes you- constantly reciprocating each other’s actions. The truth is, keeping a tally of who does what will actually result in an unhappy marriage. You should do something nice for your spouse because you feel good about your marriage and want to show your love. Don’t do these things because you want your spouse to do something nice for you.

5. Don’t avoid conflict, tell it like it is

            You may have been lead to believe that upfront, confrontational conflict resolution is beneficial to your marriage. The truth is, this is not best for all marriage as couples have different styles of conflict. No one style is better than another as long as you mutually understand what works for your relationship. But, If you want to get in your car, blast your music and drag main while your spouse wants to sit down and talk it out- you’re going to have some trouble.  Try to find the best way you and your spouse can handle conflicts and go with whatever feels right between the two of you.

6. Men are not biologically “built” for marriage

            Way back when the human race was worried about it’s existence, men were looking for as many mates as possible (to ensure continuing the species) and women were looking for a man who could protect and provide (to ensure survival of the species). The truth is, “the frequency of extramarital affairs does not depend on gender so much as on opportunity” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).  This is obvious when you look at how many women now work outside of the home, because of this the number of “affairs of young women now slightly exceeds those of men” (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp. 13-17). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Hilside, P. (1962). Marriage and family living. National council of family relations, 24(2), 137-143. Retrieved from http://www.jstor.org/stable/347003