6 Things to Ensure a Strong Marriage

What are the top five things that newlyweds should focus on in order to ensure a successful marriage?

Today I am going to answer the reader question (stated above) by talking about research done by Stinnett and Defrain.  Thousands of families all over the United States as well as in various placed around the world where studied. These studies found that strong families all have six things in common: commitment, time together, appreciate and affection, positive communication, spiritual well being, and the ability to cope with stress and crisis (Olson, David H., & DeFrain J., 1994). I know the reader only asked for five things to focus on, but you get a bonus one. These six factors not only make a strong family but a resilient relationship as well.

 1.  Commitment

     Sexual fidelity is a huge part in commitment as well as honesty between family members. Strong families also invest their time and energy doing activities together. This means that they don’t let other priorities (work, school…etc) take too much time away from their family interactions

2. Time together

     This one is self-explanatory; those who spend time together are happier personally as well as have happier relationships with each other. But you don’t have to do something large and magnificent to create long lasting memories, often the smaller day to day time spent together can be just as meaningful. When compared to the cinematic view of relationships seen in every romance movie ever made, we need to realize that “real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Other than eating and doing chores together, click here for an earlier blog post that gives some ideas of things to do with your spouse.

                     

3. Appreciation and affection

     Since you are newly married, let’s assume that you already care deeply for your partner. Along with knowing that you care and love them, it is important that you let them know as well. Giving sincere thanks along with other loving words helps build a positive atmosphere in which you can better get along. Physical communication works really well too. A smile, hug, kiss or even just a pat on the back carries on the message that you care and value your partner. Sex is also an important way you show appreciation and affection to your spouse.

4. Positive communication

     Though it is important to identify problems and discuss how to solve them, some of the best talking you can do is when you aren’t working out a problem or focusing on your communication. Rambling conversations can often uncover important issues. When you are comfortable with the person you’re with then these topics will simply come up naturally. Unless you are telepathic you can’t assume you know what your spouse is saying, this means that you should be listening and asking questions. Humor is also an important part of positive communication. Strong families like to laugh as long as it isn’t sarcasm or being used to put down the other person.

5. Spiritual well-being

     Though this topic is generally controversial, strong families have a strong sense of religion or spirituality. Though religious communities offer an added sense of membership and support, spiritual well being doesn’t mean that you have to be strong in a religion as some talk about it as having of faith in God, hope or even optimism about life. This feeling helps people transcend themselves, so they feel like there is something larger. This also promotes sharing, love, and compassion.

6. The ability to cope with stress and crisis

     Being in a Strong relationship does not mean that you are free of stress and immune to a crises, it just means that you are able to meet the challenge as efficiently as possible while minimizing the possibility of damage. This means that you are able to see and experience growth when troubles do arrive. Strong families who have better ways of coping with stress will also have a better chance at preventing troubles before they happen, and when overwhelming problems do arise strong families seek help in attempt to learn how to cope with the crises.

Though these six parts are important on their own, “family strengths are intertwined like a big ball of string collected over time” (Olson, David, & Defrain, 1994). As they naturally work together and build on each other your relationship can only get stronger and stronger.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp. 87-92). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Olson, David H., & DeFrain. (1994). “Family strengths and coping strategies.” In Marriage and the family: Diversity and strengths. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield, 563-575.