Fondness and Admiration System

Today I wanted to share a video post with you of John Gottman's second principle in "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". For some reason YouTube kept cutting the video off at 10 minutes, and I can't figure out how to fix that, so I'm sorry that it get's cut off. I also apologize in advanced for me losing my train of thought/place on my notes and my cat attacking me. This whole video thing is new to me! Anyways, I hope you enjoy Gottman's Fondness and Admiration System theory.

Tips, Tips, Tips

Mabon, Lea (2004). 8 Financial Tips for Newlyweds. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/2004/05/26/cz_lg_0601newlywedslide.html

Thanks for keeping up with our blog and I do hope you have a happy and strong marriage and do finish rich.

I do apologize for the quality of the video and the choppiness of the video. There is a reason I am not in acting or filming.

Book Review: The Nest-Newlywed Handbook

The Nest-Newlywed Handbook

            Author: Carley Roney and the Editors of TheNest.com

Alright so here is the deal this book is indeed great….but as far as I could tell is doesn’t align with research very well. That is not to say it doesn’t point out some great tips and advice for newlyweds, because it does. But the book doesn’t refer to and cite research to back up their advice. Therefore, I recommend the book but ask you to keep that in mind.

The book is described as an owner’s manual for marriage! It is an offshoot of the very popular wedding website The Knot. The Nest started as simply an online community where girls could share their issues. Now, The Nest has grown into a weekly webzine, a print magazine and now this book series! The author Carley Roney is the editor in chief of both TheKnot.com and TheNest.com. The book claims to be an owner’s manual for marriage because they feel they are the experts on marriage. The authors also have had thousands of married couples contribute their knowledge to help develop the book. 

The quality of the real life application is fantastic! It is full of checklists, self-assessment quizzes, tips, pros and cons lists, quotes, ect!! This book gives you shopping lists, date ideas, a money lingo dictionary, budget worksheets, trip planners, again ect! I could go on and on about how easy this book is to apply to the everyday life of a newlywed. Also, I am sure there is an answer to your question because it carries a broad range of topics including: money, the home, friends and fun, in-laws, sex, kids and others.

The thing that I enjoyed about reading this book is that I enjoyed it. It was as simple as that! The quality of the writing is very entertaining. It is written in an easy to understand, real life conversation way. As you read the book you feel as if a good friend of yours is giving the advice. (That could be the only potential reason that I could think of that they didn’t include research, to possibly make it more like a friend relaying some advice? I don’t know, just a thought!)

All in all I feel like this is a great tool for the newlywed to tackle many subjects that may be touchy. It gives couples a give of neutral ground to bring up some delicate subjects. For a lot of readers they simply appreciated the fact that the book is a good conversation starter. I experienced this as well! I have been married now for 9 months and some topics in the book sparked a conversation between my husband and I where I learned things about him that I wouldn’t have even thought to ask directly. It was quite fun!

Roney, C. (2006). The nest-newlywed handbook. New York: Clarkson Potter Publishers.

The Benefits of Being Married

If you are married then you probably already know that marriage is awesome, and if you are engaged then you are probably looking forward to being in an awesome marriage. Well, Here are some concrete, research backed reasons on why marriage is a good idea. Feel free to use these reasons on you significant other who won’t commit to marry you, your friends who argue that marriage is outdated and pointless or even just to tell your spouse so you can pat each other on the back.

You are happy

             Having a spouse promises that you will always have an audience who you can share your life with. This constant audience provides support and sometimes meaning through many of life’s experiences (Karasu & Karasu, 2005).  People who are married tend to have greater happiness in their life while those who cohabitate experience higher depression and lower relationship satisfaction (Bradbury & Karney, 2010).

You aren’t stressed

            Your unmarried friends are stressed and you aren’t? Well, “being married means having someone who can provide emotional support on a regular basis, thereby decreasing depression, anxiety, and other psychological problems, and improving overall mental health” (Lehrer & Waite, 2003). This goes hand in hand with being happy. Since you have someone you can go to at the first sign of trouble you don’t have to face life alone.

You have a satisfying sex life

There is a ton of research to back sexual intimacy being more satisfying within a married couple. Research done by Joyner and Waite proved that “a higher proportion of married than cohabiting or single men and women report being extremely emotionally satisfied with sex.” Since sex is not purely physical or emotional you will also be please to know that “levels of emotional and physical satisfaction with sex are highest for married people” (Lehrer  & Waite, 2003).

You have money

            Your unmarried friends are poor and so are you? Well, that’ a bummer, as newlyweds you are most likely on the lower end of the financial food chain. But don’t despair! Couples who stay married throughout their life gather and sustain more wealth than those who are single or cohabitating (Bradbury & Karney, 2010).

You are Healthy

            Are you’re friends are always telling you about the next big trend in how to live better, longer and stronger? Congratulations, because you have already figured out one of the best ways to live a longer and healthier life: Marriage. To stay healthy all you have to do is enjoy your happy marriage, since research has found that “married adults show better health outcomes than the unmarried across a variety of acute and chronic conditions, including colds, cancer, and heart attacks” (Huges & Waite, 2009).  But it doesn’t stop here! Research has also proven a positive correlation between marriage and longevity, this means that not only will you be healthier but you will live longer as well (Waite, 2005)!

You don’t get into legal trouble

            Want to be a better citizen too? Great! Then get married! Marriage fosters a better and safer community by encouraging “individuals to internalize and abide by societal norms” (Bradbury & Karney, 2010).  Successful relationships are shown to lower drug and alcohol use as well as hanging out with a deviant peer group (Bradbury & Karney, 2010). This is because men and women (but especially men) who were previously involved in deviant behaviors are more likely to decrease their criminality and settle down if they get married. But beware, drug and alcohol abuse as well as crime are more likely to rise out of a bad marriage or if a relationship dissolves (Bradbury & Karney, 2010).

You are a great parent

            Are you thinking about children or want to have them eventually?  Being married provides a co-effort in parenting that not only decreases outside stress spilling into your relationship but also allows more time to be spent on quality interactions with your child.  As stated by Sylvia R. Karasu and T. Byram Karasu, “parents are coteachers helping a child to become a person.”  Children who do not experience emotionally available and sensitive parents are more likely to have anxiety, depression and behavioral problems (Karasu & Karasu, 2005).

Keep in mind that all these great things are only subject to whether or not you have a good marriage. The Magic Marriage Fairy isn’t going to bestow all these on you as soon as your marriage license is signed. It also doesn’t guarantee that you will always be happy or will be rich when you get older. Like I said, it is all subject to if your marriage is successful. But it’s nice to know that by choosing to get married and then making that marriage great, you naturally get a whole truckload of positive benefits. 

How to Have a Happy Marriage

Earlier this week I ran across an article on how to have a happy marriage. The post that I read on the internet discusses a lot of ideas from John Gottman. I love John Gottman and have read all of his books. I made my husband read all of his books. I give them as wedding gifts to my friends. I should seriously be getting money from him. Anyways, the article is from WebMD and had a lot of things I thought I would share with you.

The first is that in every marriage there are irresolvable issues. The idea of problem solving is to figure out the things that can be resolved and work on those. The rest you just need to learn to deal with. For my husband and I, it’s that he doesn’t put the rug back over the edge of the tub after his shower and I always forget to empty the trash because that was never my chore growing up. We drive each other nuts with these things, but we live with them. These things are habit and will probably never change. Either of us getting upset just causes unnecessary anger and wastes happiness.

They also touch on the 5:1 positive to negative ratio. For every negative thing you say about your partner you need to say five positive things to keep the relationship functioning happily. By keeping the 5:1 ratio you will be able to have better positive sentiment and when things get rough you will keep positive thoughts about your partner.

A key part to solving conflict is to always try to see your partners’ perspective. People will never change unless they feel understood. Keep in mind to always check their perspective. You can clarify things to make sure you understand and repeat it back. You do not have to agree with their perspective, but you must try to understand and always remain respectful of your spouse and their beliefs.

The article has a list of helpful things in conflict. They are:

• Bring it up in a nonthreatening way. "Be nice. No name calling," she advises.
• Bring up specific issues or behaviors, rather than personality qualities. In a happy marriage, there's no attacking the person. "Bring up the specific time, how you felt about it, then people can change the behavior," Orbuch tells WebMD. "Otherwise, they don't know what to do about it, they're boxed in."
• Use "I" statements. Instead of "you're a very messy person' say 'I'm really bothered when you put clothes on the floor." Such statements show how you feel about a specific behavior, and that's important in a happy marriage, she says.
• Try to stay calm. Studies show that the calmer you are, the more you will be taken seriously, she says. "Take a breath, count to 10, breathe. Try to be nonthreatening."
• Take a break. "If you're going back and forth, if you find blood pressure going up, take minutes or seconds," she says. "Don't take hours. If you take too long, it festers in the other person, they've had time analyze it; you're dismissing their feelings opinions, dismissing them."
• Don't bring it up at night. Choose the right time -- not when people are tired, hungry, when the kids are all around, when you've got a deadline at work. Those are not best times."
• Consider your spouse's point of view, if you want a truly happy marriage. "I'm a true believer in this," says Orbuch. "Studies show that every single action has a different meaning depending on if you are male, female, your race, your background. That is important to remember in conflict resolution."

All of these ideas are wonderful and can help you to have positive arguments. No marriage is free from conflict but thing that matters is the type of conflict that occurs. The key is to remain positive and respectful and always be kind to your spouse.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/happy-marriage-no-nitpicking?page=3

Should Couples Expect the Best or Brace for the Worst?

Here is a great study I ran across that I wanted to share with you guys!
I hope you enjoy the study presented as a power point :/
Just remember the content is great!

McNulty, J. K., & Karney, B. (2004). Positive Expectations in the Early Years of Marriage: Should Couples Expect the Best or Brace for the Worst?. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology, 86(5), 729-743. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.86.5.729

6 Things to Ensure a Strong Marriage

What are the top five things that newlyweds should focus on in order to ensure a successful marriage?

Today I am going to answer the reader question (stated above) by talking about research done by Stinnett and Defrain.  Thousands of families all over the United States as well as in various placed around the world where studied. These studies found that strong families all have six things in common: commitment, time together, appreciate and affection, positive communication, spiritual well being, and the ability to cope with stress and crisis (Olson, David H., & DeFrain J., 1994). I know the reader only asked for five things to focus on, but you get a bonus one. These six factors not only make a strong family but a resilient relationship as well.

 1.  Commitment

     Sexual fidelity is a huge part in commitment as well as honesty between family members. Strong families also invest their time and energy doing activities together. This means that they don’t let other priorities (work, school…etc) take too much time away from their family interactions

2. Time together

     This one is self-explanatory; those who spend time together are happier personally as well as have happier relationships with each other. But you don’t have to do something large and magnificent to create long lasting memories, often the smaller day to day time spent together can be just as meaningful. When compared to the cinematic view of relationships seen in every romance movie ever made, we need to realize that “real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected” (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Other than eating and doing chores together, click here for an earlier blog post that gives some ideas of things to do with your spouse.

                     

3. Appreciation and affection

     Since you are newly married, let’s assume that you already care deeply for your partner. Along with knowing that you care and love them, it is important that you let them know as well. Giving sincere thanks along with other loving words helps build a positive atmosphere in which you can better get along. Physical communication works really well too. A smile, hug, kiss or even just a pat on the back carries on the message that you care and value your partner. Sex is also an important way you show appreciation and affection to your spouse.

4. Positive communication

     Though it is important to identify problems and discuss how to solve them, some of the best talking you can do is when you aren’t working out a problem or focusing on your communication. Rambling conversations can often uncover important issues. When you are comfortable with the person you’re with then these topics will simply come up naturally. Unless you are telepathic you can’t assume you know what your spouse is saying, this means that you should be listening and asking questions. Humor is also an important part of positive communication. Strong families like to laugh as long as it isn’t sarcasm or being used to put down the other person.

5. Spiritual well-being

     Though this topic is generally controversial, strong families have a strong sense of religion or spirituality. Though religious communities offer an added sense of membership and support, spiritual well being doesn’t mean that you have to be strong in a religion as some talk about it as having of faith in God, hope or even optimism about life. This feeling helps people transcend themselves, so they feel like there is something larger. This also promotes sharing, love, and compassion.

6. The ability to cope with stress and crisis

     Being in a Strong relationship does not mean that you are free of stress and immune to a crises, it just means that you are able to meet the challenge as efficiently as possible while minimizing the possibility of damage. This means that you are able to see and experience growth when troubles do arrive. Strong families who have better ways of coping with stress will also have a better chance at preventing troubles before they happen, and when overwhelming problems do arise strong families seek help in attempt to learn how to cope with the crises.

Though these six parts are important on their own, “family strengths are intertwined like a big ball of string collected over time” (Olson, David, & Defrain, 1994). As they naturally work together and build on each other your relationship can only get stronger and stronger.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp. 87-92). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Olson, David H., & DeFrain. (1994). “Family strengths and coping strategies.” In Marriage and the family: Diversity and strengths. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield, 563-575.

Retirement Planning

Retirement is the one thing that most people look forward to as they edge towards that retirement age, usually 65 but you may choose to retire earlier or later, depending on how you personally and financially feel.  Retirement is when you decide to leave your job and work altogether and live completely off social security benefits, your savings, and investment funds such as a 401(k) plan, a Roth IRA, and the savings that you have built up over many years.  Retiring may seem like an easy process but it takes a more than a couple of years to properly plan for a safe and secure retirement.

Retirement planning involves a ton of planning to have enough money to life off for the rest of your life.  My number one suggestion that you should be aware of is: that it is NEVER too early to start planning.  Especially as newlyweds, you and your partner need to discuss how you will plan for retirement and what benefits you will take advantage of whether at your work or through a private company such as Northwestern Mutual, Mass Mutual, and etc.  So take into consideration that you will need to talk with one another about planning.

There are five basic components that every couple should know about retirement (Guina, 2010):

1.       Significant Savings: Such as a 401(k) plan or a Roth IRA, as well as investments that you took the advantage of utilizing.

2.       Multiple Incomes: This could include a part-time work aside of your regular job, Social Security benefits, a pension, and similar monetary funds that you may receive.

3.       Risk Management: Personally, I believe that this is the most important component that you should be aware.  This, in short, is insurance.  Many have homeowners’ and health insurance but take the time to discuss with your partner about Life Insurance.

4.       Estate Plan: This can help with your estate and the assets that are worth investing in.

5.       Professional Advisor: Many people believe that they can manage their finances well enough, but I highly recommend that you seek into hiring a professional advisor for more than one area such as investing, health care, and insurance.  This allows you to gain the insight from a professional on your choices.

Most employers offer a retirement plan that is commonly known as 401(k) plans.  As stated before it is never too early to start planning.  I urge you to go speak with your HR office at your work and explore your options with 401(k) plans that both of you take advantage of.  However, many other companies such as Fidelity also 401(k) plans.  A question that rises up with retirement plans is how much you should put into with each paycheck.  David Bach, author of Smart Couples Finish Rich claims that at least ten percent will be a sufficient amount however I believe that how much you think you’ll be comfortable with putting away into savings each month and still have the financial stability needed for the rest of the month.   

Most 401(k) plans are readily available at all times however if you withdraw any money prior to the required age of 59 (Bach, 2002) you will be charged with high interest, so I recommend that you do not take any money from your plan until you have reached the required age where no charges will occur.

Similarly to a 401(k) plan is an IRA or a Roth IRA.  Many companies offer IRAs such as Fidelity and Vanguard.  This is said to be one easy way to gain good money.  Most IRAs are tax-deductible which makes having them convenient so you don’t have to worry about taxes with them.  Essentially, this is investments that gradually grow over time.  The same question arises with IRAs as that of 401(k) s of how much you should put aside.  This should be how much you feel comfortable putting away and still have the money to be secure.  Just remember that you need to have an earned income to supply this IRA (Perez, 2011).  The most common IRAs used are Traditional IRA and Roth IRA.  Both have different requirements and qualifications as to what makes each IRA.

Retirement may seem easy but the process does require substantial planning to ensure that you will live comfortably off what you have saved and invested in.  I want to bring up the statement and emphasize the importance that it is NEVER too early to start planning.  Retirement planning is something that everyone should be doing regardless of age but it never hurts to start sooner rather than later.  If you have not already, ask your HR office at work about information on the 401(k) plan they offer or research different companies and the IRA plans they offer.  But do remember to put down the amount of money you feel most comfortable with so that you can live securely for the month. 

Just keep in mind these questions before you actually do retire:

·         When is it time to retire?

·         How much will you need to retire?

·         What are you going to do upon retiring?

·         Where will you live during retiring?

I know I overlooked some other information that is parts of planning retirement but if you have questions feel free to ask in the comment section below.  Because I know retirement planning expands well beyond simply 401(k) plans and IRAs but I could not go in depth on all of it.  So if you do have questions feel free to ask.

Bach, David (2002). Building your Retirement Basket in Smart Couples Finish Rich.

Financialmentor.com (2008), 5 Essential Pre-Retirement Planning Questions. Retrieved from http://financialmentor.com/free-articles/retirement-planning/5-essential-pre-retirement-planning-questions

Guina, Ryan (July 2010). 5 Essential Components of a Retirement Plan. Retrieved from http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/On-Retirement/2010/07/27/5-essential-components-of-a-retirement-plan

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Today I am going to discuss two ideas from John Gottman that I have found very useful in not only my relationship with my husband but also my own family and in-laws. The first idea is the concept of The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse (divorce) and the second is the use of a 5:1 positive to negative ratio. I took a communication and relationships class last semester and these are the ONLY things I remember from the class. But, they have changed my relationships so much that I think it’s ok that I forgot everything else.

The four parts of the Horseman theory are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The idea is that in conflict or discussions when criticism is used by one partner the other begins to become defensive. When the first partner shows contempt (I had to look up exactly what contempt means… it’s a negative attitude regarding a person or group of people as inferior, base, or worthless) the second partner will begin to “stonewall”, or shut out, the first partner.

When feeling angry or other high negative emotions humans will begin a process of flooding, which prevents them from being able to communicate or listen. Criticism and contempt cause flooding which creates flooding. Flooding is a bad thing and we want to avoid it as often as possible. Flooding also begins quicker in men and lasts longer.

The great news is that there are concepts called repair attempts in which you can stop the process of the four horsemen. The first repair for criticism is to complain without blame. This means that you can tell your spouse that you are bothered something didn’t happen but you don’t attach it to their personal worth. The fix for defensiveness is to take responsibility. This means to own up when your partner is complaining about something you did/did not do and also accept blame when you have begun by criticizing your partner. The opposite of contempt is to build a culture of appreciation. Gottman discusses the emotional bank account, or a memory bank of positive memories and emotions of your spouse. By having so many good feelings stored you can avoid feeling contempt towards the other. Lastly, physiological self soothing fixes stonewalling. When you can feel yourself shutting out your partner it is best to know of ways to calm yourself down and stop flooding.

The idea of 5:1 positive to negative ratio is that for every negative comment you make you make 5 positive comments. This helps build a positive bank account for yourself but also help your spouse feel appreciated by you.

My husband and I have implemented these into our relationship and they have changed our marriage dramatically. We have an inside joke that when we see signs of the Horsemen we will clap and gallop in place (think Monty Python). This not only brings attention to the sign but also helps diffuse the stress and help us see humor in the argument. We also implement the 5:1 ratio between our own relationships and whenever we say something negative about anything in our family. This has helped us to remain positive but also avoid hurt feelings by feeling defensive of our families.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are great ways to gauge how your conflict pattern is hurting or helping the strength of your relationship. Implementing your own style of “fair fighting” based on these principles and remaining positive by keeping a 5:1 ratio will help strengthen your relationship and help make you a team.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. (pp. 87-92). New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

Conflict Resolution~

 

It is necessary a newlywed couple learns how to resolve conflict. The sooner they do, the better off they will be. It may come as a shock to some that their “soul mate” has flaws and that as a couple they disagree about issues after the wedding is over. In this post I would like to give you some researched based information to solidify the importance of conflict resolution. Later, I will provide you with some tips in order to resolve conflict with your spouse more easily. 

There was a study done by Sybil Carrere who is both a psychologist and research scientist from the University of Washington. The article describes that how the conflict discussion is begun can predict if the couple will remain married or get divorced in the long run. In fact, the study showed that it is indeed possible to predict the outcome of the marriage over a 6-year period from using just the first 3 minutes of the discussion (Carrere, 1999). 3 minutes?! I was very surprised after reading this article. I found myself reflecting back on the last few conflicts I encountered in my own newlywed relationship. I ask you to do the same! How did your conflicts begin? How did they end? Were the two of you able to learn something through the conflict?

A second study agrees and is found in an article from the, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. It tells us, “The way couples communicate during conflict discussions has been found to be a reliable predictor of marital satisfaction” (Rehman, Janssen, Newhouse, Heiman, Holtzworth-Munroe, Fallis & Rafaeli, 2011, p. 94). 

So there you have it! Not only does conflict resolution predict marital satisfaction but is also predicts the outcome of marriage! If that is not motivation enough to take conflict resolution seriously I don’t know what is.
Now, onto the tips!

·      Prevention. Learn what really bothers your spouse or their pet peeves and do your best to avoid doing them.

·      Allow each person to freely talk and genuinely listen.

·      Be honest and admit when you are wrong without following it with but.

·      Be humble, swallow your pride and be willing to make compromises and adjustments for the good of your marriage.

·      Don’t go to bed angry. Bring back the peace between the two of you. It isn’t the answer for every situation but it is a good goal to shoot for.

Remember guys, conflict resolution is something you must continually work on throughout your marriage. Don’t get stuck in bad communication habits. Remember you love your spouse and they love you! Nobody is perfect but don’t loose that desire to always make your marriage better.

Rehman, U. S., Janssen, E., Newhouse, S., Heiman, J., Holtzworth-Munroe, A., Fallis, E., & Rafaeli, E. (2011). Marital Satisfaction and Communication Behaviors During Sexual and Nonsexual Conflict Discussions in Newlywed Couples: A Pilot Study. Journal Of Sex & Marital Therapy, 37(2), 94-103. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2011.547352

Carrère, S. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 38(3), 293-301.